Life

Happiness

I have not felt happiness in a while
At least it’s been long enough
To feel like a distant memory
Everything feels like it’s compiling on one another
And nothing feels quite “right”
I crave alone time but in my loneliness I am busy, focusing on others
I crave togetherness, but in togetherness, I reminded of hurt
I crave purpose, but in some purpose I question it’s motives
I wonder if perhaps, depression has decided to revisit me again?
But at the same time, life would totally justify my mindset
Perhaps what is needed is a real vacation
No work, driving, but a recharging solo adventure
I’m routinely going to work everyday
And the mundane routine is not lost on me
Then I have all of my free time filled up with wedding preparation
If not this, board meetings, minutes, activities to attend to
It’s only recently that my marriage has given me any relief from a constant headache
And I’m still bitter from the undeserved stress
Then I am not sleeping
It is as if the idea of sleep mocks me
As I lay awake, fresh from short dreams, in the darkness of the night
My eyes are crossed with exhaustion
And my head feels, its on the verge of a headache and has been so for weeks
I’m nauseated by smells that use to be sweet
And my stomach has all but turned against me
I’m not sure what else to conclude, but depression.
It’s all to convenient not to be

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