Life

Pressing re-start

There are a number of reasons for why pressing-restart is absolutely necessary.

It has nothing to do with forgiveness.

Nothing to do with deserving forgiveness, in fact, one could honestly admit that you have dragged me through the mud in ways that people who do not love me would.

In my mind. You do not deserve my forgiveness because your actions continue to creep back in a variety of ways and I still have to defend myself against your selfishness.

No, this is for me. To forgive myself and release myself from the harboring resentment of my decisions.

I am mad at myself in many ways.

Mad I did not see the signs of who you are.

Mad I was deceived by my own dreams, mad I was too vulnerable to leave, mad I perceived myself as too vulnerable, mad I put myself last to a person with whom I could never be first.

Mad that I am almost 30 wasting away in an emotionally failing marriage that I stay in with the “hope” that somehow I will get what I deserve and what I need; mad that my staying makes me hate myself and feel like I am only doing myself an injustice for a “chance” that hasn’t come after many years.

Mad at myself that I stay because it is easier to wait and see than to take a leap of faith with myself that this world could produce an outcome better than what I have now.

This anger is all a string. It is connected to the past and it flows from all the hurtful, hateful, resentful things you have done to me in this relationship.

Mad that you are able to forgive yourself for how horrible you have been to me in this relationship; faster than I am able to forgive myself for staying.

So what is this reset for anyway?

Why should a reset matter if this is how I feel?

Because I do not know you or myself anymore. I do not know who I have become and who you have become or if you have stayed the same. I can not see beyond the past and when I try; words and actions take me right back.

I am mad for 2013, I am mad for 2014, I am mad for 2015, I am not living in the 2016.

My life has taken such a beautiful turn professionally and it is clouded by this cloud of the past.

I need to forgive myself

I’ve been holding onto the past afraid that if I let go of it; the person I wake up next to everyday will still not be the person I fought so hard to have.

That in the wake of the new dawn; the wake of now; you will still be the person who hurt me for all these years and I will be the person changed; the person who has found the strength to know what I want but more importantly; what I deserve in a marriage.

But I am killing myself slowly; losing myself again; this time in my own resentment.

So what is there to lose. I can wake up to the now; with the reset button pressed. The past and the guilt lifted off of me as a new person; changed and more knowledgeable. More strong.

But I am afraid of who you are so I sit back and hurt myself because it’s easier than taking a chance to discover the now; and to realize what that means or could potentially mean for us.

In a sense; I have ironically been forced to develop your time honored tradition of ignoring the present or reality because it is much easier to not try.

But it’s not who I am. I can not continue to give up the beauty of what made me appreciate the world and all it’s truths for the uncomfortable lie I am living because that keeps me from making major decisions; from needing to face the truth, from needing to meet people as they are; from needing to see me as I am.

I shouldn’t hide from myself although I understand now why it feels so much easier; even if the outcome is not desirable; because; you can always blame yourself slightly less than you blame the other.

I’ve come so deep into this relationship that I have become part of what I said should change about you; in order to deal with the now; I had to pretend it didn’t exist as it is.

But that is what a reset is for.

A reset…

To say: You hurt me from 2013 to 2016. But who are you now?

To say: You put me after your needs/ after yourself. But where am I now?

To say: You did not see me. But who am I to you now?

To say: You told me my happiness did not matter to you. But what matters to you now?

To say: You told me the truth was not necessary for you. But what is your truth now?

To say: You needed me so much, you kept me from myself. Where can I go now?

To say: This is the past. But where are we now?

To say: This is the past. But who am I now?

 

 

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